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The reason adult dating is stressful is you are meeting the person, and the person’s entire social history and memories. The dating game is in the unraveling of each factor, but this unraveling is incoherent. The emotional virgin
The reason adult dating is stressful is you are meeting the person, and the person’s entire social history and memories. The dating game is in the unraveling of each factor, but this unraveling is incoherent. The process is haphazard, and strained and filtered through individual and dual memories. The psychological sophistication to make sense of it all inside any one date is enormous, and is why dating is confusing, and oft later avoided.
Here is the problem. If experience is interpretive, and memories fallible, these overlapping factors become a recipe for fate, and is why emotions are high in dating juggling hope, abandonment, jealousy, fear, acceptance, and denial making some first dates better than others. It is obvious, or becomes obvious, that by a certain age a person is not a gift in a box whose contents you can unwrap pure and untarnished. Everyone you meet has a unique life history, with the dating game the disclosure of this past, whether true or not, but as told by the person to you.
The date exposes you to versions of one life story. If your date has a dysfunctional past, or that is your sense, you then have to decide in real time to move on or not, and the other person has the same problems about you, if it is worth the effort to deal with this past, or to rehabilitate and nurse the (supposedly) damaged person back to interpersonal health. This makes the odds of a second date .25, or a “yes-yes,” so far so good.
However, keep this in mind. If in doubt about mental health you are not their savior, or their therapist. If after the first or second meeting, if something smells fishy, don’t allow it to go for longer than that. If you throw up your hands in frustration, or have a negative gut feeling do not feel guilty. You originally had no idea what you were getting into on the first date, but you gave it a shot, and why not, and now you know more than you wanted. In this case loyalty is less a virtue than naiveté. Life is too short to waste three months at a time.
A date is about the near future, a near future that may well never be the same again if the person disappears, or is disappointed, or rejects you. This decision matrix is subjective making attraction irrational and illogical, but at the same time you cannot force someone to like you let alone love you.
It is impractical to think that after a first date magic happens, that the person suddenly drops their life suddenly available at your beck and call. This is especially true today when many people already have a life, are multitasking, are self-sufficient, are drawn to the shine of cyberspace, or have dropped out of the dating scene based on prior, ambiguous experiences.
It is safe to say that people would secretly meet someone who is emotionally intact––an emotional virgin––who is not corrupted, tainted or otherwise indelibly stained from a previously good relationship gone sour. You would rather be the very first one, as if they have been alone on an island, or in a cave. And you wouldn’t mind if they crave you above all others, and once secured would orbit you forever.
The secret to a fulfilling marriage is companionship, that feeling of fellowship and friendship. The five legged dog, Because, I love you, The boat, An angelic halo
There are many “ordinary” insights and relationships to understand to become more psychologically sophisticated. The secret to a fulfilling marriage is companionship, that feeling of fellowship and friendship. Absent an emotional state that includes empathy and respect, nothing else matters, and you know it exists when you sit in the same room without talking. These simply traits are not be as sexy, or as dramatic as what the media attests, but is the basis of longing. You both need each other in different ways. The other becomes a ticket to mental health. In fact, married men live seven years longer than single men. Older woman have more primary friendships making up for the difference out living men seven years.
This companionship phase begins about ten years in, and endures after the normal lust and limerick. The seven-year itch is the sense there is not companionship, that dreaded, unfulfilled feeling, not living and thinking on the same wavelength, go separate ways living different lives––but not that you always agree––but there is a respect in honest differences of opinion in a functional marriage and the opposite in a dysfunctional marriage.
A “marriage,” a legal arrangement, is between two people of the same of opposite sex. Many couples never marry based on prior social history, but after a few years they are committed. Whatever the “arrangement” the secret to a good marriage is resolving differences of opinion. It is not if you argue, but the conflict’s reasonable resolution. No partner can be correct all the time. I tell my clients that the essence of a good marriage is negotiating arguments, making up and moving on. Remain cognizant of the other’s points of view. This is a facet of empathy and emotional intelligence (EQ). Figure out what triggered what. There is often a clear precipitating event, or a rational genesis to a fight.
All couples have “disagreements” (not really arguments) about finances, power, sex, in–laws, parenting, values, communication, roles, responsibilities, and family life, parenting. If you don’t sometimes disagree you don’t care. The most frightening declarative sentence in the English language, “We have to tall.” Let the past go. It cannot be changed. Don’t complain, “You never finished college” if you are now in your fifties and it happened thirty years ago. Complain about more practical things and broken promises, like not taking the garbage out when you promised or the house smells from the dead rat in the living room.
Play nice. Remain congenial. Don’t pound the table while making your point. It is annoying. Pretend you are being filmed for YouTube. Would you want to see you online acting this way? Have a sense of humor. Humor diffuses conflict and lightens the mood causing the other to be more receptive to gripes. Once the other is defensive you lost the argument. The key in psychotherapy is always reducing resistance, not raising it.
Timing matters. If you know a spouse is exhausted after work don’t hit them after fighting two hours of traffic with a list of petty gripes. Remain respectful. Don’t curse. Use King’s English, preferably in iambic pentameter with Shakespeare’s love sonnets as a guide, and speak in Old French if possible. Never storm out during a knock down drag out argument. Often, the only reason marital therapy works is the situation prevents leaving when hot button issues are discussed.
Kill your spouse with kindness. Catch them being good. Make them feel special.
Having a similar (not identical) philosophy of life matters. The two of you should be on the same social issues wavelength. A crisis either brings you closer, or pushes you apart. It is a binary choice, unless you feel like walking on eggshells, and some do to keep emotional distance.
Try not to do anything high that you wouldn’t do low. Put the smartphone away at meals. If you have nothing to say make an observation, “I won the five hundred million dollar Powerball today, and I forget to tell you.” Do things you both enjoy. You used to do that called dating. Once children come along it just gets harder and more expensive, so you just have to make the time, and work harder at it.
The modern world is a shiny object making it easy to spend time and mental energy anywhere else but with your spouse. All the new time spent on social networks used to be spent elsewhere, including tuning in to each other and “talking.” Screens, large and small, old media and new media, cable and streaming, are the 800-pound gorillas in all home tearing at relationships.
Kids pull you in many directions. The quality time you used to spend together is decreased in favor of a family life and the multiple roles of parenting. This is all normal and to be expected. There are days you will feel overwhelmed and get on each other’s nerves.
If your child or children have heath or mental health problems caring for them is mentally exhausting. Caregiver burnout is inevitable. Don’t feel guilty when this happens. It is normal, and will lead to stupid arguments when what you really need is a good night sleep and some alone time to recharge. Some also self-medicate or “get out on the town” for a change of pace.
Shouting louder does not make you the premise of your argument true. Don’t stay in a relationship with a history of psychological and physical abuse. It will be repeated, and intensify to your dismay. Having another child will not fix existing enduring problems in your relationship. Remain abreast of new developments in human relations and popular psychology by watching shows, and reading books like this.
Marriage counseling simply elucidates and accelerates whatever conflicts are happening with more viable objective, informed solutions. It is not an end all, but part of a process of discovery and change. If all you do is complain and resent your spouse move on, unless you are a masochist that enjoys psychological pain or just as often seek to remain in the relationship to drive the other person crazy. However if you move on absent insight then the same self-defeating patterns will be repeated with the next person.
Settle your emotional books daily by making up and moving on. Life is too short being in a chronic state of anxious, hostile turmoil. Most marital spats are about unstated or unknown fears about something, but explored in the wrong context using incorrect analogies, with the basic issue never addressed. “I’m sorry” and “I understand” can go a long way in lowering the volume during a disagreement. This all sound so simple. Try it. The utterance of these words immediately diffuses arrogance and hostility.
Swallow your pride. No one is perfect. In a normal marriage feelings run hot with minor conflict inevitable. If you have a blow out argument over where to have dinner Saturday night it is not about the dinner. It may be about lack of ambition or money, since one restaurant is much more expensive, and if you took that new job you’d be financially better off. Read between the lines as to the argument’s metaphors. Don’t blame your partner for your problems of your past. If you had a hard life prior to the marriage you will bring some of that baggage with you.
Don’t assume your partner is psychologically sophisticated, and understands what you mean if you speak in code or beat around the bush, nor should you believe or hope via magical thinking he she is your house therapist to constantly unload your venom. Don’t be coy. Don’t say, “It would be nice to get away on a vacation this summer.” The statement seems innocent enough, but it is better to say, “I was thinking we might want to get away this summer, what do you think?” This stabilizes and equalizes the power hierarchy as to negotiation and priorities.
Don’t blame your partner for your personal problems they had nothing to do with in creating. This diffusion of responsibility is a coping mechanism. If one partner is plain unhappy, or is in emotional turmoil there is less total positive energy for the enduring relationship. This state must be addressed or your will both emotionally suffer. If one person is dysfunctional simply realize it and do something about it, otherwise the problems will persist and intensify. If each partner is fulfilled then the relationship has a better chance than if one or both partners are unfulfilled.
The secret sauce to many positive relationships is not sweating the small stuff. Don’t make a big deal out of minor foibles. You just become a nag. Just zip your lips and let it be.
Try to understand that your partner will be sometimes lazy for a good reason, or temporarily lacks the fire in the belly to apply for that better job, or puts up with bad stuff at work, but you know you can’t realistically interfere in their world.
Try to remain forthright. In return there is benevolent graciousness. Surprise the person with little boosts to their self-esteem. Mention their positives and ignore their negatives. If you always seemingly hostile it is more about you then them. It is always the little things that offer the clues as to the quality of the relationship.
A “psychosomatic family,” is when illness is used for emotional gains, and as a method to communicate the mixed, negative emotions. On the psychosomatic family
A “psychosomatic family,” is when illness is used for emotional gains, and as a method to communicate the mixed, negative emotions.
If your 12th grader has a history midterm, and instead of studying was stoned all week, they will feign a brain tumor to get out of it. At a lower level, we all communicate through illness. If a family does it, it is called a psychosomatic family often treated by a family therapist, but first such a social-dynamic has to be clinically identified, and often it is not easy given it is a family secret.
A family therapist is a therapist who believes in family dynamics causes abnormal individual behavior. The group psychology overwhelms personal psychology to cause a mental health dysfunction. The family is the water in the fishbowl. It is all encompassing.
The genesis of the psychosomatic family is insidious. If your parents complained through ailments they become role models how to share needs and wants, and suggest a lack of emotional attention. This cause and effect is not always the case, but is usually the case. If this learning history is intense, and repeated allowing the complaint to shirk responsibilities we have the “psychosomatic family.” Think of it as attention seeking.
This common family social dynamic, and diagnosis, is about communicating emotions through real or fictional ailments. This form of family communication is quite common and linked to the specialties of psychosomatic medicine, behavioral medicine and health psychology. Most families become aware of a psychosomatic illness through a school phobia. The student has a test. They have a headache. You keep them home. What did they learn? In adults this is the “sick day.” How many adults are sick on a sick day? It’s really a mental health day.
The field of psychosomatic medicine is misunderstood to be a fabrication or a falsehood, a form of “hysteria,” but it is not, and in medicine is a dimension of psychoimmunology, or how the emotions fuel normal changes in bodily functioning. Pain is a phenomenology, and subjective, the pain cycle maintained by the principles of learning.
Feigning stronger pain is the most common complaint, especially if drug seeking. The problem is often a pain complaint is real, although many doctors consider it psychogenic. Pain perception is complicated given the variations of the root cause. In pain management doctors used to over prescribe pain pills, but with abuse states have regulated dosage, and if on pills have to be weaned. Stopping cold turkey is dangerous. In Connecticut the prescription for a pain pill cannot be for more than two weeks.
A feigned complained is an emotional language, a meta-communication given the duality, A-B, of psychogenic pain. A low back pain may have acquired psychogenic and biological roots from a paired-association where A=pain and B=gain forming the conditioned emotional reaction, CER, maintaining the perception of pain, panic attacks, depression, and many abnormal conditions via unknown situational determinants. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is about determining these determinants, and extinguishing the CER to known and manageable levels so the trigger no longer causes a problem.
The be all and end all of seeking attention, and the height of a psychosomatic complaint suggesting psychopathology is the Munchausen Syndrome, when a parent treks their kid from doctor to doctor, but not because the kid is sick, but rather because the mother is ignored at home seeking medical attention, and a listening ear through their child by the doctor. The mother is always devious ignored at home by the husband, depressed, and legally is a form of child abuse.
Many people find it hard to share sentiments with close family. The leaf
Blood relatives work hard to protect the other’s feeling, often to a fault, with many loved ones dying of a broken heart. Don’t allow this to happen, but is easy to occur, because there is always tomorrow, until tomorrow never comes.
Many people find it hard to share sentiments with close family. The times do not contribute to this resolution. We live all over the place, and video chats are not the same, but could be. These days we are physically and emotionally distant. It is hard for many people to show affection to those they love, especially to a close family member.
If you feel strongly about someone in your close family share it now and not wait for the eulogy to express your true emotions.
The leaf
Many years ago there was a father and son who were not very close. It was not like they didn’t like each other or enjoy each other’s company. They simply just didn’t say so. On the surface, they never displayed any affection, although both very much wanted to tell the other what was on his mind, but just couldn’t in so many words.
The son lived on the next block from his father, but although practically neighbors the father and son didn’t touch base very often except to share yard work. You could say they took each other for granted. Upon seeing each other for the first time, instead of saying, “Good morning,” they’d mumble and look at the ground. With that strange greeting out of the way, they got down to business.
One day, after working side by side for two hours raking the leaves, they both realized not a word had passed between them. The father was eager to finish to get back inside to leaf through the family album. The son thought it strange that his father leafed through the family album, when his own son was there in person and the immediate family lived just down the street. Instead of leafing and reminiscing, he could be visiting more often. At that exact moment, there was a mutual gap in hope and expectation that things would stay the same, and also always be different. Then, as they were about to place the pile of leaves into a grinder, one of the leaves escaped its cruel fate and blew away.
The leaf had no idea its escape from the rotating metal jaws was an accident. As it’s cohorts were being pulverized, the dry, brown, tattered leaf made it’s way back to the general area of the son and rode a warm air current upwards, and landed on the son’s shoulder, a frightened dragonfly, then whispered, “Be like me, blow away.” Then a huge gust of wind carried the leaf skywards, where it disappeared forever.
The next day the son had the inkling to leave the neighborhood and headed west with his family. Years passed. Now, the only way to visit his father was by air, when upon arriving or upon departing it was the custom to hug. Over the course of these exchanges they were more intimate than they had ever been when they lived a block apart. The greater distance provided the perfect excuse for a warm, mutual embrace.
The father, feeling like he had missed out on a closer relationship with his son, grew to resent the fact that he lacked planes in his youth, because his father, the son’s grandfather, never hugged him like his son hugged him now. At least the distance would have provided an excuse for the forced intimacy. As the father and son embraced near the boarding gate, it was a very difficult moment with both experiencing relief when the last call was announced.
At the gate area, the father and son would hug, step back a pace or two, pretend there was something in their eyes, and increase the air between them, until they drifted away like the leaf.
About a decade later the son’s father died. After the funeral, the son was at the father’s house leafing through the family album and came across the brown, tattered leaf pasted inside, a keepsake, its rusty, faded, colored image speaking volumes about how far the father and son had drifted apart. If not for air travel there would never have been a kind word between them.